I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.