Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I can’t wait!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Put the is in disheveled
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
KFC hitting the cannibal market