Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
How animals would run if they were human