The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings