Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.