her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
mom had nothing to worry about
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake