waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen