In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
how to market bottled water to dads
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.