Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
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HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.