Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?