馃ぃ
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn鈥檛 call or write anymore. It鈥檚 like the last 4 years meant nothing.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 馃槏
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom鈥檚 bed: sweetie where鈥檇 you go? we鈥檙e gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don鈥檛 tell her im here
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I only eat vegetarians.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
me and who
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza鈥檚 on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn鈥檛 home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.