There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.