Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
😂😂😂😂😂😂
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
happy friday
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.