I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Smells like a challenge to me
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit