Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating