[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
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When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Time for evil
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
All. The. Damn. Time.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I would move hell over six inches for you
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend