i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.