Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I’d rather go liquor treating.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro