*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”