i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Rather alarming headline…
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Bringing home a sharpie
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.