Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I hope this email finds you in a well
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.