I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”