Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice