I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
good work, detective
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies