ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.