Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Note to self: I am a note
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.