Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I came this close!!!!
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.