21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now