No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Favourite diary entry ever
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
This raises questions