It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.