Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
When you’ve simply given up.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?