Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something