If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
You Might Also Like
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
mood
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro