The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
the greatest twitter interaction
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.