Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
You Might Also Like
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Not recommended for beginners.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.