It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
True freaking story!
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.