My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
become ungovernable
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230