My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
and now we wait
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?