When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
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Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.