TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
You Might Also Like
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else