If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
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Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I am, perchance
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.