When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*praying for world peace*
God:
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes