my professor scared me for a second
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy