I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]