Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER