My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.