When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
You Might Also Like
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters