“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no