Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”