My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right